Knights of Columbus

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1. What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I'll go on ahead.

2. ​Where do pirates get their hooks? Secondhand stores.

3. ​

4. What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!

5. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

6. What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.

7. How do you organize a space party? You planet.

8. How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

9. What do horses say when they fall? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.

10. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

11. What runs but never goes anywhere? A refrigerator.

12. What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbeelievable.

13. What did the cucumber say to the pickle? You mean a great dill to me.

14. Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

15. Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

16. What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup.

17. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

18. Why can’t you trust duck doctors? They’re all quacks.

19. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s pretty heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

20. What do you call a ghost's sweetheart? A ghoul-friend.

21. Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.

22. What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.

23. Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.

24. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

25. Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.

26. How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.

27. How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

28. Why should you never buy anything with Velcro. It’s a total rip-off.

29. I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.

30. I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.

31. Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? He's a fungi.

32. What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.

33. What did the snail riding on the turtle's back say? Wheeeeee!

34. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

35. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.

36. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.

37. How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.

38. Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.

39. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!

40. Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

41. Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the moo-vies.

42. Why don't lobsters like to share? They're shellfish.

43. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.

44. What do you call a shoe made from a banana? A slipper.

45. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

46. Why couldn't the pony talk? Because she was just a little hoarse.

47. What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe.

48. What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear.

49. What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers.

50. What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.

51. What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.

52. What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth pics.

53. What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.

54. What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.

55. What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet.

56. What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.

57. Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon.

58. I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

59. Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.

60. What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.

61. How do you open a banana? With a mon-key.

62. How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.

63. Why did the robber jump in the shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

64. Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.

65. What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college? Bison.

66. Why did the cookie go to the nurse? Because he felt crumby.

67. What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.

68. Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.

69. What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.

70. Why did the student eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.